


Despair

by alexis (of_too_minds)



Category: Dark Angel
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:11:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/of_too_minds/pseuds/alexis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here"<br/>A rescue mission goes sideways, leading Max and Alec to a choice between life and death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Despair

**Author's Note:**

> The quote from Dante’s Inferno. It was carved above the gates of Hell. It just seemed fitting.

Max staggered and stumbled drunkenly over the uneven rocks that lined the riverbank, her cat-like grace having deserted her in the hours she’d spent following the course of the river. She barely noticed when her foot skidded on a slippery rock and plunged into the icy water. She wasn’t even aware of the cold wind that knifed through her light jacket and made her body shiver. She ignored the thin trickle of blood that still oozed from the bullet wound on her arm.

 

None of that was important. All that mattered now was putting one foot in front of the other and searching searching searching until she found him.Because he WAS here somewhere. He had to be. And she would find him.

 

He would be waiting for her at the next bend in the river maybe, where the rushing water slowed and formed a deep pool. Or against the next big boulder that thrust its rocky head out of the rapids. Or among the tangled roots of that distant tree that grew right up to the water’s edge.

 

He would wait there for her to find him, and she would run up to him and he would open his eyes and smile at her with that cocky, smug, maddening, beautiful smile of his and tease her for being worried. And then she would slap him for teasing her, for making her worry, and together they would go to Crash and celebrate cheating Death and White one more time.

 

She could see him smiling at her, his green eyes twinkling and his hair turned to beaten gold in the sunlight. The image was so real she could almost taste him. She clung to it like a talisman, an anchor, a prayer. She WOULD find him. He WOULD smile at her again.

 

To think otherwise would destroy her utterly.

 

Rough hands seized her shoulders. Pain flared briefly as hard fingers brushed against her wound. The face of a familiar male X5 swam into view.Handsome, with dark hair and dark eyes. Max struggled to remember his name but it refused to break the surface of her mind. She let it go. It didn’t matter; nothing mattered except finding HIM.

 

She batted feebly at the X5 blocking her way. If she stopped moving now she’d never have the strength to start again. She was so weak, so tired. Exhaustion beat at her in waves that threatened to swamp her, drown her. She could almost feel the cold water closing over her head, stealing the warmth from her body and the breath from her lungs. She shuddered and thrust the image away with the last of her strength.

 

She slumped weakly in his grip, her legs trembling with cold and exhaustion. The male shook her slightly, trying to get her weary eyes to focus on him. She saw his lips move, but his voice came at her as if from a long way away, echoing through an empty chamber.

 

She tried to close her ears to it, knowing she didn’t want to hear, but his words hammered at her tired mind and she had no reserves left to fight with. Despair had sapped her strength.

 

“Max! Max, you have to stop. You can’t go on like this. He isn’t here. We’ve gone far past any point he might’ve reached.”

 

“No,” she begged. She brought her hands to her ears to block out the terrible truth she refused to see, but her hands were shaking so badly they couldn’t stop his words from searing into her brain.

 

“We’d have found him by now if we were going to.”

 

“No!” she hissed vehemently, anger flaring briefly in her eyes. “It’s not true. It isn’t. I won’t let it be true!”

 

“Even if he survived the fall, the water’s so cold. He wouldn’t have lasted long.”

 

She shook her head violently in denial, her hair whipping past her face and stinging her eyes.

 

“You have to accept it, Max. We’re not going to find him. He’s gone. He’s dead.”

 

His voice was gentle and full of infinite regret and sorrow, but the harsh words and the harsher truth behind them smashed their way past her numbness, tearing and shredding at her soul. Her legs gave way and she sank to her knees on the cold, hard ground. A scream clawed and ripped its way out of her throat and she threw back her head and howled at the uncaring sky.

 

“AALLLLEEEEECC!”

 

 

~~*~~

 

 

She remembered fleeing through the forest, the branches catching at their clothes as they ran. The X6s were in front, running full out for safety. Alec brought up the dangerous rearguard, protecting their backs. Her back.

 

They’d burst from the cover of the trees and raced to the water’s edge. The river was deep and swift, filled with rushing, churning, glacier-fed water. It squeezed between two jagged rocks and plunged over 50 feet to the bottom of the ravine below. The air thrummed with the sound of it, a dull roar that vibrated in the back of their skulls. The spray was damp and cold on her face as it drifted on the breeze and turned the sunlight into a sparkling rainbow.

 

Some long-ago park ranger had felled a gnarled, ancient pine and laid it across the river as a rough bridge. It was half-rotted and slick with spray, and it shifted and wobbled dangerously beneath their weight.

 

The X6s darted across first, surefooted as mountain goats. They’d reached the safety of the trees, and she was nearly there when White and Otto and the others finally caught up to them. Alec was less than half-way across, alone and exposed to White’s rage.

 

The sound of gunfire was almost lost in the booming of the waterfall. A bullet flung itself into her arm but she barely felt the pain of it. She watched in horror as a red stain blossomed on Alec’s shoulder, and then another on his leg.

 

His eyes caught hers. His mouth moved but the waterfall roared louder and tore his words away. She screamed his name, but the sound was thin and far away, as if made by some other woman entirely.

 

He threw his weight violently to one side and then the other. The tree trunk rolled and bucked under his feet and then snapped in two, unable to withstand the force of the current and Alec both. He gathered himself to leap for the safety of the far shore before the river could tear the bridge away, but the tree moved treacherously beneath him, throwing off his balance in revenge for dislodging it from its long rest. He hovered in the air for an impossible second and then gravity gave him up to the cold embrace of the river.

 

The river snatched at him with cruel hands and threw him over the precipice after the ruined bridge, chortling and gurgling in delight. Max caught one last glimpse of his jean-clad leg, dark against the white water, before he plunged head-first over the brink.

 

She remembered herding the kids through the forest, tears streaming down her face as she ran. She practically threw them into the truck, screaming at them to go get help. And then she’d raced back to the river, back to Alec.

 

She remembered skidding recklessly down the steep ravine slope, sliding on loose leaves and jumping over hidden rocks and tree roots, heedless of the danger to life and limb.

 

She remembered searching the river bank for hours, until Biggs forced her to stop.

 

That was three days ago.

 

She hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept, hadn’t even changed her clothes.  She was frozen in time, waiting. Waiting for Alec to return and start her heart beating again. Waiting to finally abandon all hope.

 

Terminal City went numb with grief. The transgenics clung to each other and cried out their loss and pain. Joshua howled for hours on end, a piteous, heart-rending sound. She remembered hearing that. But it was something separate and distant from her, as if it were happening somewhere else.

 

She sat and stared at the wall, waiting, never speaking, never moving. Just waiting. They gathered in a crowd around her, watching her with red-rimmed eyes and murmuring words meant to soothe and comfort. But their words were garbled and jumbled, and their voices blended together until she couldn’t tell who was who anymore.

 

Her grief lay coiled inside her, a sleeping beast, and she was afraid to move or speak in case she woke it. She was numb. Numb and cold and empty.

 

Logan watched with anxious eyes from a safe distance across the room, aching to see her in such pain and helpless to do anything for her. How do you comfort someone when you can’t even pat them awkwardly on the shoulder? And even if he could, he didn’t understand the depths of her grief. But why should he? She’d only seen the truth of it herself in that terrible moment when death snatched Alec from her.

 

Alec had claimed her heart a long time ago, but she’d never noticed until it was far, far too late. Until he took it with him down into that icy water. Now there was just a hollow in her chest where her heart used to be.

 

And out of that emptiness spilled an endless reservoir of pain and regret. She was a coward. She’d held a treasure in her hands and she’d tossed it away because she’d wilfully refused to see it for what it really was. She’d thrown away her heart and both their happiness.

 

How do you go on living without a heart?

 

Idly she fingered the treasure in her pocket. She’d stolen it from the infirmary when the medics weren’t looking. She’d meant to use it that very night, but hope had stopped her. Hope that she would wake from this nightmare. Hope that he would return to her.

 

But she had no hope left anymore.

 

Her regrets were like bitter ashes in her mouth. She’d hurt him needlessly so many times. She’d pushed him away, belittled him when he tried so hard and all just to please her. Out of love for her. Because he did love her; she knew that now.

 

She would give anything to see his smile once more. She would even give him up, go far away and never see him again, if only it meant he was alive in the world somewhere.

 

She turned to the sleeping form beside her. OC lay curled in a ball on the sofa, her hands tucked under her cheek like a child’s. Her face was wan and marked with the traces of her grief. She’d come to Max as soon as she’d learned the horrible truth. She hadn’t wasted breath on meaningless words of comfort that Max wouldn’t have heard anyway, she’d just wrapped her friend in her warm embrace and sobbed aloud their grief.

 

But Max’s eyes stayed dry. She had no tears left; she’d cried all hers out at the water’s edge.

 

She leaned over and laid a soft kiss on OC’s forehead. “Forgive me,” she whispered. Her dearest friend stirred but didn’t wake.

 

Joshua lay huddled on the floor at her feet. She knelt by his head and gently brushed the hair from his face. He whimpered and then lay still, the soothing motions of her hand sending him back to whatever comfort he could find in his dreams.

 

She felt a pang of regret for abandoning her friends this way, but it was only a small pin-prick of pain compared to the other, and not nearly enough to keep her there. Losing Alec had cut her to the bone and bled her dry. Every moment was an eternity of pain. She heard his step in every footfall outside her door, heard him calling her in every voice that said her name. It was killing her.

 

It was time.

 

She crept soundlessly from the room and out into the night. Sentries roamed the perimeter, but 10 years with Lydecker’s swat team on her ass had honed her skills. She slid from shadow to shadow, silent as a ghost, and was over the fence and out of TC with no soul the wiser.

 

She retrieved her bike from the abandoned building where she’d stashed it and drove slowly through the empty streets to the Needle. It was their place; their refuge from the world. It was where they’d forged their friendship. It was the last bit of him she had left.

 

She left her bike at the base of the tower without a backward glance. It was just a thing, an unimportant thing compared to what she’d already lost. She climbed the winding stairs, her body growing lighter with each step until it felt as if she were floating upwards.

 

She emerged into the night air and stepped onto the steel disk. The breeze ruffled her hair and she could feel his caress on the wind.

 

“I’m coming,” she whispered.

 

She sat in her usual spot and slipped the empty syringe from her pocket. She pulled the plunger back, filling it with nothing but empty air. With steady hands and a smile on her lips, she jabbed the point into her vein and released the deadly air bubble into her bloodstream, to stop her heart and set her free to join her love.

 

 

~~*~~

 

 

Alec grabbed the top of the perimeter fence surrounding Terminal City and flipped himself awkwardly up and over, too weak and tired to jump it. He sprawled in an ungraceful heap on the pavement, panting with exhaustion. The nearest sentry came running and gaped at him, slack-jawed, as if he’d seen a ghost.

 

He almost was.

 

The fall itself wasn’t so bad. He’d dived from higher up before without a bruise. Although, never after having been shot twice.

 

The undertow was the real danger. When the river claimed him, he’d forced himself to go limp, knowing that if he tried to fight his way free of the current he’d be just as likely to swim for the bottom as the surface. He could only wait until his body eventually floated upwards, and pray his breath lasted that long.

 

The undertow had sucked him down, flinging him end over end in a dizzying tumble until he had no idea which way was up. Just as his lungs were burning with the need for air, he felt himself rise. With the last of his strength he’d kicked furiously for the surface. He broke the surface to find himself in a relatively calm pool behind the curtain of the waterfall. The undertow had pulled him down and under in a big U and then spat him out again.

 

A small ledge ran the length of the waterfall, carved over eons into the sheer rock face by the spray from the river. It was just wide and long enough for him to curl up on. Gratefully he hauled himself up out of the freezing water, knowing he lacked the strength to attempt to swim the rapids now. He rolled into a ball, his legs hugged tight to his chest, and fell into an exhausted sleep.

 

For two days he’d huddled there, shivering and miserable, as the water rushed past his salvation and his prison. Cold and blood loss tested the limits of his genetically-enhanced endurance.

 

On the morning of the third day, Alec knew he had to leave his shelter or die. He was weak and light-headed with hunger, and his wounds weren’t going to get any better lying there.

 

The ledge tapered at both ends to a thin crack in the rock face. At the ends it was barely wide enough for his big toes, but it would do. He hung his shoes by their laces around his neck and inched his way across, clinging with hands and feet to bare, slick rock.

 

Willpower alone carried him over. He leaped the last few feet and collapsed on the bank, shivering and grateful for the warmth of the sun. It took him the rest of the day to hike his way through the forest and across the city.

 

But he’d made it, against all odds and the malice of man and nature. He sighed in relief and ran a weary hand through his hair.

 

“Sir? Sir, are you alright?”

 

“Seem to be,” he said with a shadow of his incorrigible grin. The sentry smiled back in delight to see him alive.

 

“Where’s Max?” He needed to see that she was safe and unharmed more than he needed food or medical care. In that second before he’d plunged into the river he’d realized how much he loved her, and had loved her from the first moment he laid eyes on her. She was so vibrantly alive, so different from everything Manticore had made of them.

 

On the long walk home he’d promised himself he’d take his own advice and put his heart on the line and tell her how he felt. It was his one regret as he lay there shivering and alone behind the waterfall, and he swore to himself that he would find a way to tell her. Even if she didn’t want to hear it.

 

The sentry’s eyes flickered anxiously. “Um, we’re not sure, sir.”

 

“WHAT?!” He leaped to his feet, exhaustion forgotten in a surge of adrenaline and fear. He lunged at the sentry and grabbed a fistful of the kid’s shirt. “What do you mean you don’t know? What happened? Did White get her?”

 

“No sir. She returned safely from the mission. But she disappeared earlier tonight. No one knows where she is.”

 

Alec looked in confusion at the scene around him, his tired mind finally registering the unusual amount of activity. Lights blazed from almost all the buildings, and figures ran back and forth as they searched every inch of Terminal City.

 

“It’s so good to see you, sir. We all thought you’d drowned. Max, she’s been, well, she was devastated,” he stammered. “We all were.”

 

Alec stared at him as the words slowly penetrated his brain. They thought he was dead. Max thought he was dead. She’d seen him get shot and plunge 50 feet into a waterfall. And he hadn’t come out the other side. Somehow he knew she’d searched the riverbank for him. But she didn’t find him, and at some point she’d given him up for dead. And now she was gone.

 

 _The High Place_ , a voice whispered in his mind.  _Hurry._

 

Nameless dread filled his heart and set spurs to his sides. Alec spun on his heel and jumped the fence, leaving the sentry gaping behind him. He veered off the street and into the abandoned building they used as a parking lot and seized the nearest bike.

 

His heart hammered like a wild thing in his chest as he raced for the Needle. He was more afraid than he had ever been in his life. He told himself over and over again that there was no reason to be so worried. Max was fine. She just needed to get away from them all and be by herself. She would never do anything foolish. Not over him.

 

But the fear wouldn’t listen.

 

Alec skidded to a stop below the Needle. Her bike was there, parked in plain view instead of tucked out of sight behind a bush as it usually was. As if she no longer cared if it was stolen. His heart leaped into his throat. He blurred up the stairs, shouting her name.

 

He burst out onto the roof and felt his heart shatter beyond all repair.

 

He was too late. He’d failed her again.

 

She lay on her back, her mouth parted slightly and her eyes staring sightlessly up at the uncaring stars. No breath stirred in her lungs. No heartbeat echoed in her chest, however faint. She was warm to the touch but it was fading, leeched away by the cool night air.

 

She was gone. She’d abandoned hope and left him behind, just as he returned to her.

 

He crumbled to his knees beside her. “Oh, Max. My love. Why didn’t you wait for me?”

 

He gathered her into his trembling arms and cradled her to his chest, rocking slightly. Her slight body felt so light in his arms, as if she were made of spun glass. Her hair spilled like water over his arm.

 

Tears burned his eyes as great, wracking sobs shook his body. He keened aloud, a primal cry of pure grief that tore itself out of his throat and spun out into the night in a long wail of sound.

 

“I’ll be with you soon,” he promised as he bent his head and kissed her cold, cold lips. Her dead eyes looked up at him blindly.

 

He laid her gently on her back and crossed her arms over her chest. Her dark hair spread around her head like a halo. He closed her eyes and laid a butterfly kiss on each.

 

He stood and backed towards the edge, his eyes never leaving her still form. “I’m coming,” he whispered as he stood poised on the lip. Death’s sister Oblivion was waiting for him at the bottom, her arms held wide to catch him. He arched his back and let gravity take him.

 

The wind whistled in his ears as it rushed past him, ruffling his hair. He kept his eyes on the cold, uncaring stars above as he plummeted. Strangely, their light seemed to draw closer to him rather than receding into the distance. They wavered and shifted in place and then collapsed together, forming one giant star that zoomed towards him through the night sky. His vision narrowed as the light grew brighter, dazzling him with its brightness, blinding him until it seemed it pierced him through.

 

And then suddenly he was no longer falling, but standing in a sea of white. He turned around slowly and found Max waiting for him with a smile on her lips.

 

“You followed me,” she said.

 

“Of course I did.” He reached out one hand to cup her cheek. “I love you.”

 

She nodded. “I know. I love you.” Her beautiful dark eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I cost us our chance at a life together.”

 

“Shhh,” he murmured. “It doesn’t matter.” He held out his arms and she burrowed into his fierce embrace. She felt solid and real and at that moment he couldn’t care less whether they were alive on earth or dead in heaven. She loved him. Next to that, everything else was meaningless.

 

She brought her lips up to meet his and they clung to one another, lost in a heaven of their own making. Eventually he raised his head from the sweetness of her lips.

 

His eyes went wide in shock as he realized the world around them had shifted and reformed itself while they kissed. The whiteness had faded and been replaced by a riot of color. They were standing in a green wood, where trees were crowned with both spring blossoms and summer fruit. Sunlight shimmered like a golden haze, so thick it was almost tangible. Flowers bloomed in impossible colors, sharper and brighter and more intense than anything seen on earth. Purple clouds drifted across an azure sky.

 

“Where are we?” he asked.

 

Max flung her arms wide and tilted her face towards the sun. “The Good Place,” she answered with a smile. “The Blue Lady took pity on us. She said we can stay here forever.”

 


End file.
